For a long time, I have never felt so lost. I find myself gazing into a spot and spacing out, oblivious of whats going on around me. The last time I felt this way was in Secondary school, while I was in Secondary 3. It was the day to announce the ranking and the position for the senior band members.
I expected myself to take up the position of the Band Major even though it was usually a girls job, but at that time, no girls seems to be able to take up the job. Naivety took the best of me, and alas, I was upset, not the mention the disappointment I had endured, by the choice of decision. I was chosen as the Librarian for the band.
After the meeting, my conductor approached me. He asked me, and I remember it vividly, "Were you disappointed with your appointment?"
I knew when the appointments was read out, my expression did change. I tried my best to hide it, but I guess my emotions were too much to put a facade on. Ego made his last effort to avoid any more humiliation, so I answered: "No, it was kinda expected." I tried to take things in my stride. The gap was wider than the Grand Canyon.
Till today, I resent the decision. I could have never understood why. Countless explanation I tried to disillusion myself, but none of them seems to be the correct solution. If it is a matter of sex, then I guess, this glass ceiling was too strong for me to break. Most likely made from reinforced tempered glass.
I learn from young that not everything will go the way you want it to. Just go with the flow. But every now and then, I find myself swept under these towering waves, suffocating and drowning, flailing redundantly against the forceful current just to take a breath. I thought I've learn to deal with it. And again, naivety got the best of me, I find myself, once again disappointed.
Its just too hard sometimes, to go with the flow of things. And alot of times, things just never seem to go the way I would expect it to. No matter how hard I try.
I am always a staunch believer of "Hard Work Pays Off". Maybe there was the fine print of "Eventually" somewhere, but even so, "Eventually" seemed more like "Never". My faith for this motto took countless hits, and I have to confess, I falter from time to time. Yes, there are times, where my hard work does pay off, but the incentives nevertheless, was never proportionate. But I keep telling myself "It'll come, it'll come." I feel a lot like Nigel from "The Devil Wears Prada"
Today, I literally fell flat on my face and figuratively speaking, I broke a lot of bones with this fall. This fall was totally unforeseen, even though I keep trying to see the obstacles that will trip me over. I saw them, tried to avoid them, but still, I fell. Again, naivety continues to be the bane of my life.
What they say is correct, "The higher your expectations, the greater your fall". I was a skydiving case without the parachute today. I was hoping for an Angel to catch me while I fall, still they remain as a myth, a fickle of my imagination. Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, my waxed wings melted and I plummeted onto solid ground into a bloody, unrecognizable mess.
My hopes were too high.
Today was the epitome of disappointment, fallen hope, resentment and how naivety killed my dreams.
I totally lost my interest in work because of what happened today. Throughout the day, I wonder to myself "Why do I work so hard? When in the end, its those that are lazy that is rewarded." and "Why does things never ever go my way. Why do I always have to be the one compromising." I'll be honest, I cried not just once. I cried not because I was weak. I cried at the injustice, the biasness and the twisted logic of the people around me.
It'll take me sometime to get over what has happened today. And who knows what will become of me when I do get over it.
Oh, I did not get to go Japan.
